Interview With Laura Christianson

Below is my complete cyber-interview with Laura Christianson, author of the Exploring Adoption blog and of two excellent books: The Adoption Decision and The Adoption Network.

If you would like a chance to win a signed copy of The Adoption Decision, be sure to leave a comment at the giveaway post!

Stick around to read my ramblings and updates on our second adoption or read about our journey to China for our first adopted girl.

What finally pushed you ‘over the edge’ to choose adoption?

Infertility sent us over the edge. After five years of marriage, we decided it was time to start cranking out babies, but it didn’t turn out that way. After 10 years of marriage and countless trips to the infertility specialist, we had to decide whether to commit our life savings (and then some) to pursuing fertility treatment, or choose adoption.

We asked ourselves: “Do we want to be pregnant or do we want to be parents?” We wanted to be parents, and adopting seemed like the logical choice – it was more affordable than fertility treatment, it offered more of a guarantee of eventually having a child than fertility treatment, and we sensed that adoption was the path God was leading us toward. It was a great relief to finally commit to adopting; once we decided to pursue that route, we were enthusiastic and fully committed.


What about adoption has surprised you?

Our adoptions turned out completely different than what we had envisioned. We opted for a domestic infant adoption—a semi-open adoption in which we’d meet the prospective birth parents and exchange letters and pictures at the appointed time each year. While this did happen, we and our son’s birth mother mutually decided to open the adoption when he was 2. That was the best decision we ever made; because of it, we have a wonderful, healthy relationship with the birth families of both our sons (our sons are not biologically related to each other). Opening our adoption was a huge step of faith for all of us, but it resulted in the biggest ongoing blessing we have ever experienced. In fact, just this weekend our sons spent the day with the birth mom of our oldest son, celebrating the third birthday of their little sister.


What do you feel you have ‘lost’ by adopting? Gained?

The root of all adoption is loss: birth parents grieve the loss of their child, the adopted child grieves the loss of what “might have been,” and the adoptive parents grieve on behalf of the birth parents (as well as grieving their inability to bear a biological child, if infertility is an issue). Coming to an understanding of these mutual losses is critical for everyone involved in adoption; it helps us empathize more with one another.

I have gained the ability to celebrate my children for who they are. Because I didn’t birth them, I don’t expect them to be little clones of me and my hubby. I’ve learned how important it is to recognize their uniqueness and to channel their individual abilities and interests in very different ways than I might have, had they been my bio children.


Is the adoption topic a comfortable one in your home?

Yesterday, I was the guest on a local radio talk show about adoption. My 12-year-old son listened to the show and when I arrived home, he commented, “You sounded very convincing.”

I chuckled and asked him, “Convincing…about what?”

“You talked about the millions of orphans around the world and how they need families. That convinced more people to adopt.”

Perhaps because I’ve written truckloads of material on adoption and I frequently make radio appearances and speak at adoption conferences, adoption is a completely comfortable topic of conversation around our house.

But it’s not something I obsessively bring up with my kids. Being adopted is my sons’ “normal” and it comes up in conversations in the same way that doing your homework and deciding what to eat for dinner does.

From time to time, we check in privately with each of our sons to inquire whether they have questions or “issues” they’re struggling with concerning their adoption. Many times, kids are thinking about adoption, but they may not necessarily bring up the topic, so it’s always good to ask and to volunteer to serve as a resource/advocate/mediator for them.


How do you answer someone who asks you, “Do you think we should adopt?”

I ask them why they’re considering adoption and I suggest a few resources that will help them explore their options. Adoption is a personal, life-changing decision; one that I shouldn’t (and won’t) make for anyone.


What books helped you make the adoption decision?

Keep in mind that my sons are 15 and 12, so it’s been a while since I’ve adopted!

My three favorites were:

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

Dear Birthmother

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

I love the conversational, “real” style of these three books, and I modeled The Adoption Decision after them. I wrote in the same non-clinical, chatty tone and added anecdotes from the lives of many people who are touched by adoption, as well as loads of practical information parents can use before, during, and after adopting.


Do you carry around copies of your books?

I usually have a couple in the trunk of my car, and in my handbag, I carry postcards that display images of my book covers. A week ago, I met a woman who had a wistful look in her eyes when she told me about her desire to adopt. I felt that she could use my book, The Adoption Decision, so I ran out to my car and gave her a copy.


Adoption adds an extra layer of complexity to family life. How has this been true as you’ve raised your kids?

Openness in adoption certainly adds several layers of complexity. In our case, they’ve been good layers, because our kids can (and do) directly ask their birth parents any questions they have about why they were placed for adoption (and they know their birth parents will give them an honest answer). They also know that their birth families love them dearly. I can’t tell you how much it enhances the self-image of a teenager and pre-teen to know that they have not one, but three families who think they’re the cat’s meow.


What are some of your favorite lines to use when answering the nib-nosy questions about adoption?

When people find out we have adopted, they assume we adopted internationally. “Where did your kids come from?” they ask.

I reply, “Tacoma, Washington, and Bremerton, Washington.”

People often ask me whether open adoption “confuses” my children, whether my kids wonder who their “real” parents are, and whether I worry that their birth parents will “steal” them.

My responses:

Open adoption does not confuse my children at all. Only adults seem confused about openness in adoption.

My kids know who their “real” parents are: their birth parents, and my husband and me. One set of “real” parents gave them life; the other set of “real” parents raises them.

Our sons’ birth families “borrow” them frequently, but they always return them.


Tell me about your other book, The Adoption Network.

This book is a handbook for people interested in starting an adoption support community for adoptive parents, birth parents, adopted people, or orphan care. It walks individuals, leadership teams, and pastors through writing a mission statement, planning a budget, and creating workshops, support groups, social events, mentoring programs, and more. The book contains lots of worksheets to get people thinking “outside the box” when planning a network that’s tailored to their needs. People can buy autographed copies directly from me; I’ve got a buy 1, get 1 free sale going on.